Having attended a Star Trek convention in Vulcan, Alberta (and by attended, I really mean, “watched from a frightened distance”), I always assumed the term western alienation referred to something else. (Throw in St. Paul’s U.F.O. landing pad, and Alberta certainly seems to fit the bill as a western alien nation).
I now understand that western alienation refers to something far less otherworldly, something far more Canadian. After all, if there is one trait that unites Canadians from coast to coast to freezing-icebound coast, it’s our feeling of being ignored by central Canada.
Newfoundland—whining over resource revenues—has threatened to pull up anchor and pull down flags. The Maritimes are tired of having sand (albeit, rather nice sand if you’re from PEI) kicked in their faces by the big federal bullies. The prairie provinces are too flat to be taken seriously by Ottawa, the north too cold, B.C. too far out (literally and figuratively).
And of course, there’s Quebec, who began talking about picking up all its poutine and going home even before confederation.
Then there’s Alberta, where websites such as “The Republic of Alberta” site offers die-hard Albertan separatists the chance to purchase a Republic of Alberta thong, because nothing makes for a more frightening political statement than showing up at a rally in a thong.
I can only see one solution to these on-going separatist cries and the disparity faced in this great country, only one solution that will make everyone uniformly happy across this enormous alien nation.
Ontario must separate from the rest of Canada.
It’ truly is the one and only solution that will work for everyone. Ontario, as the only region of Canada that doesn’t feel misunderstood by, well, Ontario, is the province that needs to leave in order to make everyone else feel better about their lot in life.
Let’s face it, it’s a win-win situation. After all, how can Ontario complain about becoming a country? They already think they’re the centre of everything, so let’s just make it official. Just imagine—no more Ottawa! No more Toronto Maple Leafs! No more Toronto!
So please, help me kick start a movement by embracing my exciting new party: “The-Ontario-Must-Leave-in-Order-to-Save-the-Rest-of-Canada” Party.
Sure it’s a bit of a mouthful, sure it will be a challenge to fit it on our thongs, but trust me, once we’re rid of Ontario, this feeling of alienation will evaporate faster than an Alberta mud hole in a Chinook.
Of course, there may be some dispute over where the new centre of power would be located, but I have no doubt that the rest-of-Canada-minus-Ontario has the intelligence to realize that there is only one province with the entrepreneurial spirit, strength, beauty, wealth, U.F.O. landing pads and one-size-fits-all thongs, capable of running this wacky nation, and that of course, is little old us—Alberta.
Now since Edmonton is already the provincial capital, clearly Calgary must step up to the plate and assume the role of the new federal capital. Sure, this will cause some alienation in Edmonton and northern Alberta, but who cares? Once the centre of power is in Calgary, Calgarians can simply carry on that great Canadian tradition of ignoring everyone else’s concerns.
After all, what’s better at creating unity than widespread disunity?
And truly, what could build a stronger nation, than a little alien nation?
Copyright Michael Kerr, 2013. Michael is an international business speaker and a Canadian Hall of Fame funny motivational speaker. This article is an excerpt from one of Michael’s books, What’s So Funny About Alberta?
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